Tag Archive | #unemployed

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet? Apply Inside.

When you’re unemployed, scanning through hundreds of job postings can be humbling. But it can also be entertaining. Just think that a campus locksmith can earn more annually than the amusement ride and game inspector. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know that having an expertly installed & functioning lock is critical, but I suspect that having a Scrambler ride that doesn’t malfunction is, in the least, equally important.

Some listings essentially ask candidates to be upright and capable of consuming air. This would be like my friend Jeanette’s requirements for dating. Except Jeanette does go a step beyond having a valid driver’s license; there must be something to drive as well. Then there is the other end of the spectrum – my friend Sheila. The list of requirements is long and somewhat whimsical, but dare not leave a question unanswered. Here is the job posting equivalent of Sheila. I did not make this up. And I’ll only post a portion of the very detailed listing.

The Door Attendant is responsible for providing exceptional hospitality services to guests in an attentive, friendly and efficient manner.  The Door Attendant is responsible for opening doors for all guests entering and exiting the facility and assisting guests with transportation to off-site locations.


  • Maintains pleasant, friendly and professional demeanor with all guests, co-workers, and clients
  • Acknowledges and greets guests within five feet with a professional and friendly demeanor
  • Uses guest last names during interactions
  • Uses salutation of the day and welcomes guests to the location
  • Opens all vehicle and hotel doors for guests
  • Assists guests with directions, taxis, reservations and other inquiries
  • Continually monitors and maintains cleanliness and order of guest services area
  • Delivers messages, items and/or guest amenities as requested

OK, so this seems to be straight forward. I get the idea and basic sense of the job. But then it continues…

  • Must be able to run at top speed, occasionally sit, climb or balance, stoop, kneel, crouch or crawl
  • Must be able to stand during entire shift
  • Must be able to regularly stand, walk, run, use hands to finger, handle, feel; reach with hands and arms and talk or hear
  • Must be able to regularly lift up to 50 pounds frequently and up to 75 pounds occasionally
  • Must be able to push and pull (on bell cart) 75 pounds frequently and 100 pounds occasionally
  • Must be able to push and pull (on wheelchair) 100 to 350 pounds frequently over considerable distances
  • Must have close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perceptions, and ability to adjust focus

And there you have it. Just like Sheila, this employer is looking for James Bond.


Coffee Shop Blues and Veneer

The neighborhood coffee shop fireplace is lit, throwing very little heat as it is mostly for show. “Ambiance”
A couple of commercial developer types huddle near the window and talk about the winter weather for far too long before they launch into pronouncements and egos.
A twenty-something young professional navigates the snow-covered sidewalks in impractical 3-inch heels and short skirt; the slush muffling the sounds of her pixie walk.
Unemployed for 4 weeks, I’m grateful for the early morning coffee date with a friend to force me out of bed before 10 am, showered and out of the depressed anonymity of my home.
Except I didn’t shower.
And my friend would be 20 minutes late.
I set my flapped snow headwear on the empty seat next to me, stomp my brown work boots to disburse the snow under the table, and glance at my watch.
I have nowhere to go. And no one to be.

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TV envy

Note to self:  When you’re unemployed, single and dateless, do NOT watch day-long marathon episodes of Sex in the City.  You’ll end up hating your life, your clothes, your unhatted head and your over-4-foot-over-110lb frame.  And you will loathe every man at the bar that doesn’t send you a drink poured into a Manolo Blahnik.