When you’re unemployed, scanning through hundreds of job postings can be humbling. But it can also be entertaining. Just think that a campus locksmith can earn more annually than the amusement ride and game inspector. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know that having an expertly installed & functioning lock is critical, but I suspect that having a Scrambler ride that doesn’t malfunction is, in the least, equally important.
Some listings essentially ask candidates to be upright and capable of consuming air. This would be like my friend Jeanette’s requirements for dating. Except Jeanette does go a step beyond having a valid driver’s license; there must be something to drive as well. Then there is the other end of the spectrum – my friend Sheila. The list of requirements is long and somewhat whimsical, but dare not leave a question unanswered. Here is the job posting equivalent of Sheila. I did not make this up. And I’ll only post a portion of the very detailed listing.
The Door Attendant is responsible for providing exceptional hospitality services to guests in an attentive, friendly and efficient manner. The Door Attendant is responsible for opening doors for all guests entering and exiting the facility and assisting guests with transportation to off-site locations.
DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
- Maintains pleasant, friendly and professional demeanor with all guests, co-workers, and clients
- Acknowledges and greets guests within five feet with a professional and friendly demeanor
- Uses guest last names during interactions
- Uses salutation of the day and welcomes guests to the location
- Opens all vehicle and hotel doors for guests
- Assists guests with directions, taxis, reservations and other inquiries
- Continually monitors and maintains cleanliness and order of guest services area
- Delivers messages, items and/or guest amenities as requested
OK, so this seems to be straight forward. I get the idea and basic sense of the job. But then it continues…
- Must be able to run at top speed, occasionally sit, climb or balance, stoop, kneel, crouch or crawl
- Must be able to stand during entire shift
- Must be able to regularly stand, walk, run, use hands to finger, handle, feel; reach with hands and arms and talk or hear
- Must be able to regularly lift up to 50 pounds frequently and up to 75 pounds occasionally
- Must be able to push and pull (on bell cart) 75 pounds frequently and 100 pounds occasionally
- Must be able to push and pull (on wheelchair) 100 to 350 pounds frequently over considerable distances
- Must have close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perceptions, and ability to adjust focus
And there you have it. Just like Sheila, this employer is looking for James Bond.
I was never lucky with boys. But on this night, this Saturday evening, 5 girlfriends and I were heading to a club 45 minutes from home. Surely, this would be my chance; the chance to meet boys with sensibilities for the witty friend. Boys that didn’t remember your grade school self in cat-eye glasses and ugly hand-me-down bell bottoms. So, we six girls with our freshly curled hair and colored lips, loaded into Shannon’s car and headed, map in hand, to our Mecca.
There were strobe lights, hordes of good looking people and pitchers of cheap wine. Pitchers of wine! Truly a Mecca for a 23 year old in the 80s. Oh yes, this would be the turning point for me and my “game”.
Fast forward to three hours later. I’m sitting alone at a high table, heels on the lower rung, head leaning on hand. I pushed the several empty pitchers out of the way and poured myself another glass of sour-tasting white wine. My friends waved from the dance floor wrapped up with the boys with whom they have been slow-dancing, fast-dancing and making out for two point three hours. Ok, maybe my bitter memory is exaggerating; maybe it was just two hours. Two wine-packed surly hours. And the ride home would seem even longer.
And so it goes. Sometimes the journey to Mecca is fruitful for some. Sometimes your journey to Mecca should be experienced in solitude. And sometimes the journey to and from Mecca is accompanied by wine sweats.