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Faster Than A Speeding Bullet? Apply Inside.

When you’re unemployed, scanning through hundreds of job postings can be humbling. But it can also be entertaining. Just think that a campus locksmith can earn more annually than the amusement ride and game inspector. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know that having an expertly installed & functioning lock is critical, but I suspect that having a Scrambler ride that doesn’t malfunction is, in the least, equally important.

Some listings essentially ask candidates to be upright and capable of consuming air. This would be like my friend Jeanette’s requirements for dating. Except Jeanette does go a step beyond having a valid driver’s license; there must be something to drive as well. Then there is the other end of the spectrum – my friend Sheila. The list of requirements is long and somewhat whimsical, but dare not leave a question unanswered. Here is the job posting equivalent of Sheila. I did not make this up. And I’ll only post a portion of the very detailed listing.

The Door Attendant is responsible for providing exceptional hospitality services to guests in an attentive, friendly and efficient manner.  The Door Attendant is responsible for opening doors for all guests entering and exiting the facility and assisting guests with transportation to off-site locations.


  • Maintains pleasant, friendly and professional demeanor with all guests, co-workers, and clients
  • Acknowledges and greets guests within five feet with a professional and friendly demeanor
  • Uses guest last names during interactions
  • Uses salutation of the day and welcomes guests to the location
  • Opens all vehicle and hotel doors for guests
  • Assists guests with directions, taxis, reservations and other inquiries
  • Continually monitors and maintains cleanliness and order of guest services area
  • Delivers messages, items and/or guest amenities as requested

OK, so this seems to be straight forward. I get the idea and basic sense of the job. But then it continues…

  • Must be able to run at top speed, occasionally sit, climb or balance, stoop, kneel, crouch or crawl
  • Must be able to stand during entire shift
  • Must be able to regularly stand, walk, run, use hands to finger, handle, feel; reach with hands and arms and talk or hear
  • Must be able to regularly lift up to 50 pounds frequently and up to 75 pounds occasionally
  • Must be able to push and pull (on bell cart) 75 pounds frequently and 100 pounds occasionally
  • Must be able to push and pull (on wheelchair) 100 to 350 pounds frequently over considerable distances
  • Must have close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perceptions, and ability to adjust focus

And there you have it. Just like Sheila, this employer is looking for James Bond.


Coffee Shop Blues and Veneer

The neighborhood coffee shop fireplace is lit, throwing very little heat as it is mostly for show. “Ambiance”
A couple of commercial developer types huddle near the window and talk about the winter weather for far too long before they launch into pronouncements and egos.
A twenty-something young professional navigates the snow-covered sidewalks in impractical 3-inch heels and short skirt; the slush muffling the sounds of her pixie walk.
Unemployed for 4 weeks, I’m grateful for the early morning coffee date with a friend to force me out of bed before 10 am, showered and out of the depressed anonymity of my home.
Except I didn’t shower.
And my friend would be 20 minutes late.
I set my flapped snow headwear on the empty seat next to me, stomp my brown work boots to disburse the snow under the table, and glance at my watch.
I have nowhere to go. And no one to be.

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Celebrity Dating Double Standards

Why is it that celebrities seem to be able to pull off most fashion choices? I mean, except for Billy Idol, but come on, it was the 80s and anything was game then. But seriously, I see a video with Keith Urban rocking out, casually owning his guitar, singing smiling and I think “ahhh, lucky Nicole”. But at second glance I start pondering. 

Why is it sexy for Keith Urban to wear that Kate Jackson hair? I mean, he’s frickin’ adorable and part of the image is his no-fuss yet perfectly perfect hair framing that smile. But if I were sitting across the bar from a regular guy with that haircut, I would not likely think to myself “bet he’s a killer singer and devoted dad, maybe an organic cook.”  Instead, I might think, “bet his drives a van with lots of smoke billowing out of it.”  And there is Jesus, I mean Jared Leto. Holy hell! I would totally wash his feet. But truth is that I’m more likely to let him forgive me sins long before any average Peter or Paul fishing at the beach.

And celebrity fashion. Why the double standard of acceptance on my part? I am so forgiving when I see it on the pages of rumor mags but if pass by a super cute guy in skinny jeans, a la Harry Styles, at the grocery, I secretly snarf to myself. When I’m drooling over a photo of Matthew McConaughey in a green velvet jacket or Hazza with hair band and shirt unbuttoned to his pubic hairs, I try to think of what my reaction would be if Joe Schmoe showed up at my door dressed like this. (I actually envision the board of the 1970s game Mystery Date.)  If I opened that door with the tiny little knob and saw my date with too much hair product, shiny boots and torn jeans, how would I react? Would I politely smile though my butt-hole scrunched up forming the words Oh Geez?

Or would I ask for his autograph?

Oprah Visits Nod

My dream last night: I was staying at Oprah’s guest house. I got in big trouble because I let her niece run around in Oprah’s wedding gown (I thought she had permission). In my come-to-Jesus with Oprah (a redundant phrase in the mind of some folks), I apologized and said “I didn’t even know you had a niece.” “That’s alright,” said Oprah. “I didn’t know I had a wedding dress.”